CocooningTM With Your Newly Adopted Child By Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D.

Developing trust and security is the first building block in children's social-emotional development. Children with this foundation have more positive relationships with their

parents, learn more easily, get along better with peers, and manage conflict better than children without this foundation.

Take a minute and imagine leaving everyone and everything you have ever known to live with strangers in a strange place, then having to do it all over again but now you are with

strangers in a foreign country with a language you don’t understand. This describes the minimum of an adopted orphaned child’s early experience. What emotions do you

imagine you would feel in her shoes? Fear, anger, sadness, loneliness and hopelessness? Yes, these emotions are typical. It is important to remember that your child has lived with these emotions for most of her life, is living with them right now and will be living with them to some degree for a long time.

CocooningTM is one of the most important things you can do to develop a secure,

trusting, strong relationship between you and your newly adopted child. Cocooning also

helps you become familiar with your new child, her temperament, abilities and

challenges. Cocooning helps newly adopted children adjust to a new home and family

members. Ultimately, Cocooning helps parents provide a safe haven for their new child.

The following are 5 steps for Cocooning. These steps apply to day-to-day life with your

newly adopted child for 0 months to 1 year following homecoming.

1. Keep your child with you and stay close to home. Be sure to keep your newly

adopted child with one parent and stay home as much as possible. This is difficult

for most people, especially when you have other children. There are things that

must be taken care of outside of the home, such as taking siblings to and from their

activities, doctor’s appointments, shopping. It’s important, however, to make every

effort to keep these outings with your newly adopted child to a minimum for a while

and it’s essential that one parent keep the child close by most of the time. Try to find

help from friends, family and/or church to help you with these outside activities. I’ve

found that it’s helpful for the family to assemble a “respite team” of people who want

to help orphans but don’t feel called to adopt.

2. Keep new toys and music simple. Early developmental play is essential for

healthy emotional & cognitive development. Children adopted out of orphan care or

foster care often missed out on this type of play. Choose toys that are appropriate

for 0 - 1 year of age, no matter the age of your child. Keep the number of toys to a

minimum. Toys such as shape sorters, pull toys and blocks provide versatility,

durability, attractiveness, and ease of use, limits sensory over-stimulation and help

give the child a sense of self. These toys are not intended to be educational. Yes, it

will help brain development, but the purpose of these toys is to help your child

develop a secure attachment with you and to begin to heal her emotional wounds.

Your sensitivity and responsiveness and the pleasurable, relaxed encounters

cuddling and playing with these toys will make this possible.

Avoid electronic toys, videos, television and other electronic devices such as iPads

during this time.

3. Be present with your child. Watch, listen, be quiet. Being present in the moment

is an unknown experience for many Americans. More typically we are distracted by

our "to do list," worries or expectations - anything but the present moment. To be

present in the moment take a few slow, gentle breaths in through your nose, filling

your abdomen and out quietly through our mouth. Do this once for every letter of

your name. Notice the sights, sounds, and physical sensations you’re experiencing

in the moment. When you’re truly present with your child, you are allowing her to be

just as she is right in this moment. You let go of expectations for your child or

yourself. You marvel at your child and at yourself.

4. Look beyond negative behavior. Instead of viewing negative behavior as

manipulation and defiance, try to see your child’s unmet early developmental needs

being expressed: fear of abandonment, anger at being abandoned shame of

rejection.

Tommy, a four year old boy who was 13 months old on his Gotcha! Day, was feeling

scared and anxious about because his mother had just left for an overnight trip. Not

understanding these emotions and being unable to express these emotions, he

became distractible, overactive and defiant. Kneeling down beside his son, his

father stated, “You have some big feelings inside.” Tommy put his hand on dad’s

knee and leaned against him. His father added, “I wonder if you might have some

feelings about Mommy going away.” Tommy said meekly, “She won’t come back.”

Dad then proceeded to reassure Tommy that mommy would return, told him that he

also missed her and put a her framed photo in a spot Tommy could see frequently.

He also stayed closer to Tommy and spent a little more time playing and reading

with him until mother returned.

Just like this father, when your child is acting out, consider what needs might be

underlying this negative behavior. Provide her a sense of safety by comforting and

nurturing her while teaching limits in a kind manner.

5. Keep Cocooning time simple and frequent, but not continuous. Both you and

your child need a break from each other.

Cocooning is simple, but how easy it is depends on the individual adult. If you are

comfortable with being in the moment, at ease with your child and patient, then

Cocooning will come easily. If you have high expectations for yourself and your child,

find it difficult to be still and playing with children is a little out of your comfort zone, then

Cocooning will be more challenging for you. However, follow these simple steps and

read Gotcha! Welcoming Your Adopted Child Home, and you can be a natural!

Both Gotcha! Welcoming Your Adopted Child Home, by Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D. and

newadoptionresources.com provide more detailed guidance about Cocooning. Check

them out today! Dr. Patti M. Zordich is available to speak to your group or for

consultations. Just call 919.380.1000 or email her at office@trypsych.com

© 2012 Dr. Patti M. Zordich. All rights reserved.

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