Adoption Is Not a Blank Slate: Why We Need Trauma-Informed Counselling and Parenting
- trushali Kotecha
- Apr 27
- 3 min read
shrinkhla sahai
23 April 2025
They should be grateful.”
“They’re so lucky to have a family now.”
“They were so small — they won’t even remember.”
These are things we still hear around adoption.
And as a trauma therapist, I want to say this gently but clearly:
Gratitude is not a substitute for grief. Adoption is not the erasure of what came before. And children do not need to consciously “remember” in order for their nervous systems to hold memory.
Adoption begins with loss.
Even when it leads to belonging, even when it's beautiful and healing and chosen with love —Adoption begins with a rupture. With separation. With something being cut before something else can be formed.
And that early rupture — no matter how young the child is — carries implications. In how trust is built. In how attachment forms. In how safety is felt.
Why trauma-sensitive parenting matters
Adoptees often navigate attachment wounds that don’t always look dramatic. They may show up as:
Overachieving to stay “wanted”
Shutting down emotionally to avoid loss
Anxiety around transitions, even small ones
Big reactions to seemingly minor events
Trauma-sensitive parenting means understanding that these responses aren’t manipulation or defiance. They’re protective. Adaptive. They’re the body’s way of saying: I’ve known what it means to be left.
What children need is not to be “fixed,” but to be seen. To be parented with curiosity instead of control. To be held with gentleness, not shame.
Why therapists must be adoption-informed
As mental health professionals, we can’t afford to approach adoption with naïveté or romanticism. Too often, adoption is framed as a clean beginning. But what many adoptees — especially as they grow older — describe, is a complex internal landscape.
Questions about origin. Loyalty binds. Identity struggles. The invisible grief of being “given up” — even in infancy. And the pressure to be grateful for being “chosen.”
If we are not adoption-informed, we risk pathologising normal adoptee experiences. We might miss the deeper meaning behind a teen’s withdrawal. Or rush to label a young child’s behaviour without understanding the attachment lens.
Being trauma-informed also means being story-informed
Each child comes with a story that didn’t start with us. And no matter how much love we bring into the present, we cannot erase what shaped their past.
Our job is not to overwrite. It’s to sit beside them as they slowly write their own narrative — with all its loss, strength, confusion, and reclamation.
Why India needs trauma-informed adoption counselling — now more than ever
Despite the growing awareness around mental health and adoption in India, we still have a long way to go in preparing prospective adoptive parents — not just legally, but emotionally and psychologically.
Adoption is not only a legal process. It’s a deeply layered emotional journey — for the child and for the parents. And without trauma-informed support, even the most well-meaning families can struggle with behaviours they weren’t prepared for, or unknowingly retraumatise children they are trying to love.
To address this gap — we at Swayam Foundation are proud to be collaborating with Joy of Adoption and For All Our Kids to launch a first-of-its-kind trauma-informed training programme of adoption counselling for Prospective Adoptive Parents (PAPs) in India.
This initiative offers training to counsellors to work with PAPs to create:
Therapeutic space to process motivations, fears, and expectations
Education on attachment trauma, grief, and developmental needs
Guidance for building safe, connected relationships
A bridge between legal readiness and emotional preparedness
To join this 6 week training starting 4th May 2025 APPLY HERE
For parents, professionals, and anyone walking alongside adopted children
Being trauma-informed doesn’t mean walking on eggshells. It means walking with awareness. It means responding, not reacting. It means letting children show us who they are, without forcing them to perform healing on our timeline.
And most importantly, it means doing our own inner work —so we don’t project our need to be “enough” onto their need to feel safe. Because safety doesn’t come from rescuing. It comes from being real, being present, and being willing to meet the child exactly where they are — not where we hoped they would be.
If you're a parent, a teacher, a therapist, or anyone holding space for adopted children —I hope this reminds you:
They don’t need perfection. They need attunement.
And that begins with understanding the story beneath the behaviour.
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